it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Randomize
