i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
