i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
