Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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