Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
