I need to stop coming to work sober
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
