Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
