He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
wow bdsm is so cute
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
