also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
