I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
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