I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
