he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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