I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
