I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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