So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
