worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
