when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
