I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
false alarm, still single
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
