I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize