boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
