The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i came on her dog
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
