If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
