I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
