she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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