I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
