textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
