you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
