So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
