Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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