Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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