Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
