My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
