see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
