just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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