I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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