How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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