True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
