the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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