Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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