Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
