If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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