You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
