Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
