I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
