something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
