I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
