Your mouth is God's brothel.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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