thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
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