I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
