my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
