some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
