I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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