I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
