she was so not down for the gang bang
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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