I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm getting married
To pizza
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
