I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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